me. For years and years, i had believed it, it was my responsibility to work on other people. So much so, i neglected myself. In so doing, my life is tattered with failures and brokenness. In 2020, during a strange year in history, i made a series of poor choices. These choices led to the breaking of my marriage, family, and ministry. To top things off my mom passed away from colon cancer. It was rapid and felt like a whirlwind. my life was collapsing around me and it was now out of my control. A place i did not know, for i prided myself on being in control.
The only good thing is that i still had my relationship with Jesus. In all the brokenness, He never left, He never let go. In fact, He stirred me. He awakened in me a desire to know Him more intimately. This became my driving force. i sought him eagerly. A daily routine was made in which i started and ended my day with Him. my day was also filled with prayer, better yet, conversations with Jesus. In one of those mornings, i read Philippians 2:12. This wasn’t unfamiliar to me, i had read it many times, probably preached on it hundreds of times. It says: “Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
my ongoing conversation with God was, “What now, Lord?” “So now.” As i read this tears filled my eyes. It was as if the voice of the Lord was saying, “What now you ask? So now, obey my instruction. Even if you feel I am a million miles away, obey. Stop worrying about what others are doing and start caring about what you are doing. Work out your own salvation with Me. Learn what it is to love and to honor. What does fear and trembling mean to you? For it is ME who works in you and it brings Me great pleasure to so.”
This began my journey of working on me. In so doing i sought God through it all. Leaned on Him for understanding and wisdom. Putting behind me what i thought i knew and like a new born baby, craved the Word like milk. And the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit, like a mother’s embrace. The last five years have been, me working on me, with direction from the Word. It has lead me into discovering the Way of the Rabbi. It has stirred in me a desire to call Jesus by His given name, Yahoshua. To call the Father Yahweh. To refer to Him as Elohim, and Adonai. It has brought me to the Abrahamic covenant, the order of Melchizedek, to Moses, and the Way of the Rabbi. Yahoshua, the Word made flesh.
And now, i write about Elohim, working on me. To make me what He wants me to be and what i have learned along the way. In hopes that it inspires others. You even, who are reading this right now, to do the same. To “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” i invite you to join me on my journey, i call the Way of the Rabbi. You can read my transformation through the years. i hope that my working on myself, if anything, inspires you to work on yourself.
You are loved,
cj




